All I Know This Far

It has always amazed me over the years how P!nk can write about her life, her love, her struggles, and everything in between. She refused to conform to become what the record and music industry wanted her to become. She stood her ground and entered the music world and industry being herself as a strong willed, outspoken young woman, entertaining us with a mixture of many types of music. She was in a class of her own and that’s how she wanted it. Over the years, I have found her music helped me through the storms in life. In fact, over the years, her music reflected her own ups and downs and brutal honesty of her own life. Even after a year of everything shutting down, she was still writing and creating music. She has the ability to still bring light and good to a rough year. Her latest song All I Know This Far speaks so much about her life and a conversation of advice to her daughter. It’s almost as if she is writing a song to a younger version of herself giving advice about life up to this point. The video is her reading a story to her daughter and then roughly describes her life and what she has learned along the way. This song resonates so incredibly deep with me. I felt this was the perfect topic for my first blog post. This last year has helped everyone re-adjust our priorities, slow down, and refocus on goals and life’s purposes. Here is how and why this song affected me deeply to the core.

Haven’t always been this way

I wasn’t born a renegade

I felt alone, still feel afraid

I stumble through it anyway.

I’ve come so far from the child that was self-conscious, insecure, quiet, over thinking, (Nope still do that. lol), not dealing with emotions, acting like all was right in the world, frustrated with living and not understanding an alcoholic father, and then later suffering from grief, depression, and anxiety because of losing ¾ of my family. I was so far from the stronger, wiser, and braver version of me now. I look back and hardly recognize the old version of me. I gained so much by stepping up to change my life, got therapy to walk through those generational cycles and learned behaviors that held me back. I wanted to be happier, emotionally healthier, braver, more confident in the adult I was becoming. My therapist helped me learn skills about coping mechanisms to have a better understanding of the behaviors that helped me survive growing up not knowing how to cope and deal with my parent’s trauma from their childhood, learned behaviors they used to survive and my father’s alcoholism. Therapy taught me awareness and understanding of what I learned emotionally and mentally to survive on my own. Therapy also taught me better emotional and mental skills to apply to my life. In the last couple of years, I have faced one storm after another, I have tried to apply what I have learned. Trust me, there were many days I felt fear and worry and kept stumbling along anyway. Even when we don’t know how to address or face an unexpected event or crisis, we do our best to get through it.

I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose

No one’s handing you the keys or a book with all the rules

The little that I know I’ll tell to you

When they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth

I wish I would have had more freedom earlier on in my life. I would have fought for the dream of going to the college I always wanted to attend. I wouldn’t have let my mom’s fears and concerns run my life. The grief and loss can change you and make you overly control issues and people because of the fear of losing what is still in your life. You have lost so many people that mean so much to you, that you fear losing those still left in your life. It’s taken me becoming a parent to help understand my parents even more and life in general. We aren’t given keys to our life like a home and life isn’t always stable or secure, and there’s definitely not just one book guiding us or educating us with the right responses, the right moves, the right decisions, the right way to cope and deal with the storms that show up in our lives. The line about the little I know I’ll tell you this when they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth to me describes that mask we put on when we walk into life, the trauma we don’t talk about, the generational cycles that continue to affect the next generation, and the dysfunction swept under rugs, and learned behaviors we use to survive. When we are left naked with the truth to me means when we get real with all that affected us as a child, and we embrace it all and truly see what has made us become who we are. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It is the acceptance and owning of who we are because of the life we have lived.

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind

Let the walls crack, ‘cause it lets the light in

Let ‘em drag you through hell

They can’t tell you to change who you are

That’s all I know so far

And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain

Put your sword down, dive right into the pain

Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars

That’s all I know so far

This reminds me of when I decided to jump into therapy to become a better version of me. I wanted to learn how to cope and deal with life and the storms in life that come unexpected. I learned to let my walls down and let love and light into my life. I learned to see the positive and the possibility of really living instead of letting fear, anxiety, and negativity control my thoughts and my decisions. I have faced people who lied to me and lied about me and tried to break me, and I strongly stood up to them and humbly remained steady moving forward. Life taught me things happened for a reason, that I might have been the strongest or bravest person to stand up for the right thing. However, that was not where I needed to be or it was a step that I needed to take because I was brave enough to do what others weren’t strong, wise, or brave enough to address. When one door closes, there are always more doors that will open. When life’s storms have come, I have learned to run headfirst into the battle or storm. I can thank a therapist that helped me learn to cope and deal with pain. You must feel it, embrace it, and come out the other side where the sunshine will shine again on you. By putting the sword down (not exploding reactively, detaching, fighting) and walking into the pain, I could face the feeling and the problem instead of pushing it aside or making another problem by standing on the outside of the storm. All I know so far is that I’m going to heal by walking into the storm, facing the fears, facing the emotions that aren’t fun or easy, allowing my heart to hurt, the tears will fall, and accepting my scars. I have survived what I could have allowed to break me. My scars and my story can inspire and help others. I also have learned that I heal openly and out loud.

So you might give yourself away, yeah

And pay full price for each mistake

But the candy-coating hides the razor blades

You can cut yourself loose and use that rage

I wish someone would have told me that the darkness comes and goes

People will pretend but baby girl, nobody knows

And I can’t even teach you how to fly

But I can show you how to live like your life is on the line

When I was a teenager and a lost 20-year-old, I gave myself over to dysfunctional relationships because the men were broken, narcissistic, and weren’t ready for commitment. I wanted to cope with grief with attention from boys and fill that void with foolish love. I tried to fix them because I thought I could make them better and I was still very codependent at that time. Thank God, I finally found a good man and a good therapist to help me overcome these unhealthy habits. In the last couple of years, I sacrificed so much of myself to make sure my husband’s career came first and our children’s needs came first. I felt like I was living for everyone else except my wants and needs. I felt very empty and lost. I needed to learn how to refill my cup. Hell, I’m happy I still had a cup. Ha! I jumped first into trying to build a career and a business and had to close it once an unexpected damage to our home happened and the insurance company refused to cover what they had in the past. So, those dreams and that vision got put on hold. I feel like I made mistakes over and over again trying to find my way back to myself and my dreams. I felt so lost, and I was trying to apply all that I had used without returning to the rage, sadness, and the habit of shutting down. These were the unhealthy learned behaviors I once used when I was a child when I couldn’t control events around me. I wish someone had told me there would be darker times that would cause me to fight not going back to those old behaviors or cycles I worked so hard to overcome. We will see people pretend they are good, they will try to cover up or wear a mask from life, and they may even bleed on you from unresolved wounds from their childhoods. There is nobody in this life that knows everything and knows exactly how to respond perfectly when it comes to dealing and coping with life. My mom tried to push me into therapy after we lost my dad. She knew I was struggling and suffering in silence. Trust me, if you really knew me in my early teen years, you would have seen it too. She couldn’t teach me, she had to wait until finally I realized I needed to learn how to make the best life for myself. As a mother, I can’t always teach my kids the correct way to deal or cope, but I can show them how to live big, express emotions, and talk about what is bothering them or share the storms they are facing. After I faced and thrived through a cancer journey, I have learned not to settle for anything in this life. It was an eye opener to start living like my life is on the line.

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind

Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in

Let 'em drag you through hell

They can't tell you to change who you are

That's all I know so far

And when the storm's out, you run in the rain

Put your sword down, dive right into the pain

Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars

That's all I know so far

Then at this point in the song, we revisit the chorus, which reminds me to throw my head back, to spit in the wind, to act like I have no cares in the world and to really embrace every moment like it is my last. It reminds me of Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly challenges us to be vulnerable in the way we live our lives, to be brave and to show up and take risks. I believe we let too many of our fears, shame, perfection, doubts and insecurities get the best of us. We all have an innate response to protect ourselves when life gets uncomfortable, and we put the walls up and don’t let life in. We need to learn how to break those walls down and open ourselves to living our best lives. So many times, that means overcoming the generational cycles and dysfunctional learned behaviors that we adapted to as a child and now as an adult these behaviors no longer serve us in our daily life.

That's all I know, that's all I know so far

This part of the song is like singing and showing the world this is all I know about me, about life, about love, about overcoming things that held me back, learning to really live an authentic life, and learning to become the best version of me. It’s the anthem for the journey, this dream, this vision of where I am in this moment of my life and what I know about life right up to now.

I will be with you 'til the world blows up, yes

Up, and down, and through 'til the world blows up

Yeah

When it's right, or it's all fucked up 'til the world blows up

'Til the world blows up

And we will be enough

And until the world blows up

This speaks to me that I’ll be here for those I love, and they will be here with me until they leave for a better place or until the world blows up if that would happen first. It’s the feeling and statement of knowing you aren’t alone and won’t be no matter where you are in this life. My faith has always been a huge part in my life. Even in those moments when I questioned God, I was angry at God, I was lost, and God was still there waiting for me to realize it.

Just throw your head back, and spit in the wind

Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in

Let 'em drag you through hell

They can't tell you to change who you are

And when the storm's out, you run in the rain

Put your sword down, dive right into the pain

Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars

That's all I know so far

Again, no matter what life brings about, throw that head back carelessly and take the bull by the horn, and let the walls come down and let the good and light into your life. There will be people and events that will drag you down and try to destroy you, don’t allow them to steal your joy, happiness, and light. Embrace the storm that comes when least expected, acknowledge the pain and emotions you feel as you bravely run through the storm. Stay the course, stay your beautiful self and even though you may experience scars, don’t let them ruin you. Let them be the sign that you lived and survived what could and should have broken you. Again, this is what I know and have learned and continue to share.

That's all I know, that's all I know so far

When we share our stories, our triumphs, our battles, our bruises, our scars, our wins and how we changed to be our best, we help to inspire and save others.

I will be with you 'til the world blows up, hm

This is deep for me. When I read this line, it means those who will always support me are there beside me until the end of time. Mostly, it means that even on my darkest days and through my hardest storms, I was not alone. God walked there with me. I have found that in reading, learning, and embracing growth, overcoming fears, and applying skills to life, we can always find a healthier path to our best life. I want to take the time to thank P!nk always for writing such amazing songs that impact us, inspire us, and mostly thank you for showing her vulnerability and authentic approach to life.

All I Know This Far

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